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Are you guys for real?

I'd rather be imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay than this pacified society of happy boys and girls. Alright, admittedly, my grudge against raves is somewhat personal. I've had the misfortune of attending some of these youth culture-marketing fiascoes during my summer break.

The story in brief: I ended up getting sucked into this lame-o crowd of house music fanatics in a desperate attempt to escape the otherwise conservative herd of people who inhabited my life. At the (beer company name removed) party, I spent an entire ten hours being ignored, lonely, and misunderstood by the booze-addled, happy-faced space kids who were content to boogie down all night long to the monotonous thump-thump-thumping that shook my skull but not my ass. But, annoying as it was, this is not the sole reason these events are "working our nerves".

I maintain that my disdain for house music culture goes beyond my own horrible experience and actually stems from a fundamental disagreement with the socio-political ramifications of a bunch of blissed- out idiots gathering to share their love of musical garbage. Please, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let us examine the most basic aspects of a "house music party"

1) The event is purposely held as far away from society as possible so as to avoid complaints from un-hip neighbours.

2) The only way to have fun at a rave is to do massive amounts of drugs or alcohol that make you happy and able to enjoy the constant mental assault that is techno music.

3) You spend the whole night dancing.

Folks, that's really all there is to a massive. Sure, you got your smart drinks, and your hypnotic light gadgets that induce seizures in normal people, but other than that, we've covered your basic house party. I believe that raves are just another tool of the government designed to keep the youth culture down and subservient. How else would a government like Singapore allow such events?

Believe it suckers! They've got you eating out of their hands, and you're loving it! They take a bunch of rebellious kids, ship them off to a beach or a warehouse where they can't do society any harm, get them blissed out on cheap beer so that they actually enjoy the system, and then tell them to dance all night instead of doing something productive like scraping our failed society out of the gutter. Dance culture is a Right Winger's wet dream. Dance culture is a fancy nametag for the Brave New World. It's the f*cking truth: if you're a raver, you're just another would-be hip boozed-out government fool.

House music sucks and you guys make me sick. - Eric Fong

Dude, sounds like you need to stick to stamp collecting or something. Something with no sharp edges or other people to annoy.

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Dear Think,

I picked up your magazine for the first time a few weeks ago while waiting for my food to arrive at a restaurant. Thank you so much for making me gag on my lunch! I laughed so hard at Darren Ho's column ["Etiquette & Sh*t", Vol. 2. Issue 12], my friend and I were literally in tears. I now look forward to every new issue. Is Darren really the stud he says he is? Maybe you should publish his photo! I want to work for you. Who's got to die for me to get a position there?? Thanks for the laughs!  - Casey Ng

Darren Ho has to die, basically. (If I had a nickel for every time I've said that, I'd be totally rich.) And if we published a picture of him these pages would catch fire because he's so HOT! Poof! Just like that. Glad you like the magazine though. It's pretty fun to make. Except when they "ask" you to clean up the conference room or stuff envelopes or perform any one of the myriad of BS duties reserved exclusively for "The Intern." But hey, "it's really great experience."

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Mr. Benet:

I just read your article "Cat Scratch Fever" - female bullies - in Think [Singapore Issue 11]. It was great, true (I know from experience) and also very timely for me. I wanted to write you and tell you how much I enjoyed the article but also to mention that I have just completed a manuscript on some of the same frustrations of the life that drives women to violence. I am planning to self-publish it. I hope to send it to print by the end of November or early December. I would love for you to read it. I also really love the Daisy Blaze Hungry Bunny piece, she has such attitude! - Regards, Tonya Brown

Thanks for the letter, Tonya.

Daisy would respond personally but she's wrestled our publisher to the ground and is currently performing what looks like an ancient forbidden chokehold on him.

 

Dear Think,

I must say I prefer the comic sections that deride the CNB and their underhanded dealings. And on the other hand no pure love could exist without a little bit of conflict. But not any praise from the tremendous journalists keeping the scene in the P.S. - Keith Padilla

Keith, quick question: What in the hell are you talking about? Okay, I get your first sentence apart from the "comic sections" part. You mean joke cartoons, right? The second sentence is a slight deviation into what can only be called schizophrenia. But I'm convinced you wrote the last sentence just to get me to scratch my head. Well done.

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Think,

I think your author was a bit harsh on the music industry. [Copy, right?, Issue 12] Wait a minute. No I don't. I'd like to see a pre-movie ad with the studio head whining that he may have to sell that fifth mansion or trim his million-dollar bonus if we keep copying illegally. For media executives are nothing if not law-abiding and fair dealing. Somehow Hollywood survived television, cable, home video and every other "danger" encountered over the years. If there's anything that will kill American movies, it's low-cost Indian production, not duplicating. - Thanks for an amusing column. Peace, G.T.

Oh, sure, blame it on the Indians. You know, it's really unfair to blame every single one of our problems on our neighbours on the subcontinent. Sure, they're the one nation primarily responsible for the current situation in Iraq, not to mention the fact that Indian economic policies are single-handedly responsible for third world debt. And don't forget that other Indian export: puppy killers. But that doesn't mean that the good, hard-working and mostly inter-married people of India have to listen to your slurs about their alleged "harm" to the movie industry. Geesh!

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APOLOGIES: In the last issue we forgot to close a parenthetical statement and it almost looked like we were trying half-assed to make one of those stupid emoticons. It was a damn typo. :) Sorry!