Arnold Schwarzenegger by Paul Wilkinson

Ahhhnold: (To his personal trainer) Who is dis puny little vorm?

Trainer: This is Stanley Holditch sir. He’s here for the interview.

Ahhhnold: Ja, right; I remembah. I will crush you wit my most cranibulous vocabulary.

Think: Wow! You can pronounce “vocabulary”?

Ahhhnold: Dat’s right.

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Think: So, Arnold, Owwww!! Ok, Governor Schwarzenegger, I’m going to skip all the bull and ask the question that’s been on everyone’s mind for a long time. When is the next Conan trilogy coming out?

Ahhhnold: Nevah! Being in that horrible desert gave me lots of boogers, and besides, da last time I saw Grace Jones she tried to bite off my nose.

Think: Jesus! What’s up with her?

Ahhhnold: She’s just not human. Dat’s all.

Think: So why are you in Southeast Asia if it’s not to shoot a movie? Orchard Towers? Teenage bar girls?

Ahhhnold: No way. I’m not sicko! I am Austrian.

Think: Where’s he?

Ahhhnold: Hunting teenage Cambodian road-whores, but if you print that I will crush you into tiny little pieces.

Think: Got it. So you think the place will do well here?

Ahhhnold: Ja, of course! It will be a place where all da little Singaporean actors can come and be seen, and discuss their pathetic little movies. It will also be enjoyable for the normal people, because they can see vhut it is like in a real restaurant, like they have in real countries, like Austria and Los Angeles.

Think: Do you think the fact that most people here read tabloid newspapers and magazines will help the…

Ahhhnold: It’s not an afterbirth!

Think: What??

Ahhhnold: Ja, sorry. You are so puny I forgot you vere there. I was practising my lines for my next picture. I play a pregnant spy who has to go undercovah as a Kintergarten teachah in ordah to find his long lost twin brothah, who is about to go on a futuristic game show filled with aliens who can become invisible using a nutty raygun helmet.

Think: That sounds pretty cool. Who else is in it?

Ahhhnold: Clint Eastwood, my buddy, and Ewan McGregah, who ist British. And dis Singaporean guy named Jack Neo. Ja, he is a singer, great voice, like gold. Now get out of here. I must pump up my ageing muscles into shape.

Think: Hey! Put me down, put me down right now!!!