Dougal, the Dubliner

Think: Thank you for your time Mr Houlihan.

Dougal: You’re bloody lucky! I was absolutely langered last night. Mary, make that a double! She’s a fine bit of stuff that one. Lovely fat neck on her. Must have drawers the size of Limerick.

Think: You’ve got funny teeth. When was the last time you went and visited a dentist?

Dougal: Funny? They don’t make me laugh. What’s a fekkin dentist?

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Think: Never mind. Let’s go on to the next question. What’s your favourite tipple?

Dougal: I don’t give a monkey’s. If it’s cold, wet and gets me fluthered, I’ll have a big one.

Think: Who do you think is the greatest musician of all time?

Dougal: That’s a daft bloody question. Where’s me fags? Lee Shamrock of course. He’s deadly!

Think: What do you like to do in your spare time?

Dougal: Drink and have the craic. Oh, and play the maggot with eejits like your good self.

Think: What’s your favourite food in Singapore?

Dougal: Stew and bread. And sponge and custard. I’ve got a mouth on me right now. I could eat a baby’s arse through the bars of a cot.

Think: Are you a big chilli fan?

Dougal: The bloody stuff gives me the scutters.

Think: Do you play pub games? How about darts?

Dougal: Me? Go and shite! I couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo.

Think: Ireland’s a beautiful country. What do you miss the most?

Dougal: Waking up to the smell of fresh dung. Ahh, lovely!

Think: When was the last time you won something?

Dougal: 1973. I won a leg of lamb and a bottle of red lemonade at a fair in Skerries.

Think: Tell me, are you a regular church goer?

Dougal: Oh yes, I am that. Actually, I was out for a few with the priest from my local church last week. And you’d never guess what he said. He said, “Dougal me good man. If you continue drinking like you do, you’ll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you’ll turn into a mouse.” Feck! This frightened the life out of me. So when I got home that night, I said to the wife, “Bridget. If you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will you kill that blasted cat?”

Think: Well, that’s about it. Thank you very much.

Dougal: Grand! I’m off to lay a cable.