Kim Jong Il

Like David against Goliath, like Rocky Balboa against Ivan Drago, it appears that little Kim Jong Il has dealt the knockout punch to the Republican congress. The announcement from Pyongyang that North Korea was now part of the mile high club seems to be the straw that broke the GOP camel’s back in November. Kim saw that he could not rely on Hillary Clinton or Nancy Pelosi or Barbara Boxer or Harry Reid to capitalise on Bush’s blunders and so he took matters into his own hands. He went one-on-one with Karl Rove. It’s like George Costanza dressed as Napoleon in a mud wrestling contest with Mini Me, winner take Asia.

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The root of this entire scenario was Jessica Simpson announcing to the world that Nick Lachey was less endowed than Kim Jong Il. This was the straw that broke Kim’s back. Kim is like a child seeking attention. The attention may be negative but at least the child becomes engaged in interaction, which beats loneliness any day. In Nick Lachey’s latest song “What’s Left of Me” he sings, “I’m half the man I thought I would be, but you can have what’s left of me.” What’s half of 3?

To put it bluntly, North Korea is starving to death. Their county of 23 million people recently went through terrible flooding. Starvation is always an excellent motivation for the starving tribe to attack the neighbour tribe for their land. North Korea has a 1 million-man army and nuclear weapons.

South Korea and Japan are two of the most prosperous countries in the world. The reason that Kim is making the US the bad guy when they don’t even seem to be anywhere near or in the conflict is because the Americans have troops in South Korea and in Japan armed to the teeth with 100-megaton nuclear bombs. The firecrackers set off by North Korea this week were less than 25 kilotons.

The Long Range missile fired by North Korea a month ago wouldn’t have made it out of the National Stadium. In other words Kim is holding two seven off suit pre flop and he’s betting like he has pocket rockets. Kim is hoping to flop a pair of sevens and a deuce and here is how he can come from the back of the back like Seattle Slew.

The Persian Gulf has two thirds of the world’s black gold. Shiite President Ahmidinejad of Iran is now forming an alliance with the Shiite government of Nouri al-Maliki of Iraq. All they need to conquer the Middle East oil fields and then the world for Allah is nuclear bombs and their arms dealer is Kim Jong-il who in return for a nuclear arsenal is going to receive 20% of the Arabian Peninsula’s oil revenues for the next 50 years.

Kim drives a hard bargain, like Nick Lachey. In the meantime Japan, America’s best friend who bombed Pearl Harbour is now going to impose sanctions on Kim. They are going to stop importing Korean clams and shiitake mushrooms. Like Kim cares. He’s now exporting kim chee to Venezuela and Iran. If the LPGA delegation on its way to Pyongyang tonight fails in its diplomatic mission to bring calm to the Korean Peninsula then Tatoo may soon be standing outside the White House screaming, “Boss the plane, the plane.” Welcome to Fantasy Island. Kim is about to become Jethro Bodine.

Karen Fish is a writer currently living in Los Angeles California. The Temple of Love

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