At first we thought it was because you didn’t want to mess up your perfect metrosexual hairdo, but now, after ten years in the game, we realise that there’s a bigger problem… no one reads magazines anymore. Sure, you might pretend to flip through a copy while cruising the chicks at Kinokunya, but you’re obviously too busy trying to catch the eye of the cute girl on the chair reading Kafka to absorb anything meaningful off the pages. Literally, I could say anything right now and it wouldn’t matter. Unga bunga, binga bang bunk, doobie tokey minga tooka mi dibba stik a fubu. See? You don’t even notice.

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Sure, it’s easy to take potshots at all you short-attention-span ninnies about the way things are, but I actually don’t think it’s your fault for once. (Don’t worry, we’ve got plenty of potshots saved for you later). The Net has completely eliminated the function that magazines were created for. By the time we get to press, the breaking news is old news.

The scandalous pictures have already been posted on someone’s blog or nightlife website. Thanks to the stupor information highway, the only thing magazines are good for is to cut letters out for ransom notes. Some magazines, Like I-S, are using all their left-over copies to construct a giant wall between Boat Quay and the CBD. You stay on your side and we’ll stay on ours.

It’s kind of ironic, that way back in the mid-nineties, Keith and Jeffree left San Francisco at the start of the internet boom and ended up publishing the first free magazine in the former Soviet block. We watched from the fringes of modernity the bubble madness of internetland, and decided to delve deeper into subjects and shine the light on parts of our world that needed a closer looking at. We thought for sure that the internet would propel magazines on a new path, a new role in society, but instead we’ve been sliding down the slippery slope of turning into catalogues.

Sure, our advertising partners have always paid the bills (you know who we’re talking about, we love you, cocktails anyone? Give us a call!!!), but the increasingly competitive media market has forced more and more media bosses to make compromises. No longer satisfied with having their ads next to a great article, they want to be IN the article, the (gulp) dreaded editorial placement. It’s become such an orgy of product and venue reviews that editors are so busy trying to get all the client contact info correct, that they miss the typos in the headline.

But who gives a damn? It’s all for you, dear reader… don’t like it? How about making your own magazine then? It’s easy… jump on your laptop and download a ready-to-use template, think up a name and logo, then pick a picture for the cover from the internet. Now go browse your favourite blog, site or webzine and fill your publication with the stuff YOU like and find interesting, and whammo! You’ve got the perfect magazine and are livin’ large.

Nothing new and exciting, nothing mind-expanding or jaw-dropping, just pretty pics and stuff you already know – kinda like one of the special pullouts in the paper of record. It won’t cost you a cent and you don’t have to complain about the ads getting in the way. It’s all about you, after all… See you in the funny pages…