Ah Lian

Throw them a Prada bag and they’ll be eternally grateful. Haven’t really figured out who they are? Well, these breed of locals are uniquely Singaporean. They’re definitely one of a kind – heck, you can spot one a mile away. Oh what would we do without these interesting characters also known to the public as Ah Bengs and Ah Lians.

Indeed, try walking down Far East Plaza or just pop by any one of those cutesy bright pink neo-print booths and you’re bound to find them happily talking loudly on that latest clam shell handphone with blinking lights and ringtones that will make you wonder if they’re tone deaf. Nonetheless, these people make up a percentage of the society and you’ve got to admit that they’re rather interesting people. Fancy living the life they lead for just a day? We can guide you along the way.

Ah Lian

The Hair:

Straight is good. Remember to go for regular rebonding sessions to ensure your hair looks ‘sleek’ and chio. Increase your kawaii (cute) factor by adding all sorts of rainbow coloured clips to your hair.

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The Make-up:

The more the merrier, pile on the foundation and candy pink blush. Put on some bright red lipstick and maybe some blue or green eye shadow to dazzle your beau.

The Handphone:

With this multi-purpose accessory that doubles as a mirror, use it to take pictures of your beloved to use as your wallpaper. Sms your friends to gossip about who’s dating who and hang those dangling hello kitty phone straps for decoration.

The Clothes:

The more outlandish the better. Contrast is good. Make sure the colours clash. That’s how you stand out. The shorter the skirt or shorts, the better – flaunt your legs, skinny or flabby. Make sure your tops have enough frills or lace to look ‘dainty’ Let the straps of your black bra peek out, it’s said to be fashionable.

The Handbag:

Has to be ‘branded’. It really doesn’t matter if it’s fake or genuine – as long as it has the ‘G’ or ‘LV’ logo. Carry it with pride even though it’s far from the real McCoy.

The Shoes:

Make that 3 inches, no, why not 5 inches? Get yourself a pair of platform shoes guaranteed to add height to your stature and make you feel tall. These chunky shoes come in all different designs and colours. Take your pick.

Ah Beng

Ah Beng

The Ah Beng’s crowning glory calls for regular maintenance. A regular dye job is paramount – go for golds, reds or blue if you want. Try to keep a long fringe (below eye level) – it’s very useful to flip when trying to look cool or you can go for the act cute look by accessorizing with a hair band.

The Car:

One word – modified. Ah Beng cars are designed to siam (escape) as fast as possible from the police but gain the greatest amount of attention while doing so (including slamming into the nearest road kerb). To have your car looking real swee (pretty), choose an outstanding colour, like white or red, then fit it with modified bumpers and neon speed meters. Install a flashing antenna that can flash lights in sync to the beat of “Aiyee, aiyee, ai, I’m your little butterfly” or whatever song that’s playing on your super loud stereo system.

The Accessories:

To complete your look, get some gold or silver chains, fisherman slippers and a cool tattoo on your arm. Fake ones not allowed.

The Handphone:

Create your own collection of interchangeable handphone covers to match your hair colour. To look impressive, adopt a squatting position while using your handphone, punctuating every sentence with a Hokkien vulgarity.

The Clothing:

Save money to buy some blanded clothing from Armani and JPG. Or else, stock up clothing in every fluorescent colour you can find, especially if they’re tight and have dragons printed on them. If you want more pattern, try sleeveless shirts with zips in front so you can pull the zip down to create different effects.

Illustrations : Jared Tay (inkdustrial@yahoo.com.sg)

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