Category: Letters to the Editor

Letters answered by the sexiest editor on staff.

Dear Think,

Hey, man, sick zine. How could I get my band Flesh Drillers a review or interview?

You should check us out and if you need a band for anything, let me know. We are from Johor Baruh and are an up-and-coming brutal death band and we just got signed to Death records. We’re about to put out two releases, so look out for us. – Alex (drums/vocals), Flesh Drillers

Thanks for the letter, Alex. We can probably work together. We were thinking about sponsoring a few shows at the Isetan and Flesh Drillers would no doubt be a hit with that crowd. If we can just get clearance for the pyrotechnics, we’ll be good to go.

Letters answered by a Gitmo detainee.

Dearest Think,

Congratulations on your majestic rise to fame! Unfortunately with every hop-skip-and-jump there is a trip-smack-and-hospital.

Hello! My name is “=” and I will be your STALKER (don’t run). You cannot stop that which has not yet commenced the process of beginning. Stalker Qualifications: I’ve read Catcher in the Rye 13 times and I’m working on my own Broadway musical adaptation simply titled Catcher! It’s all about a small town boy who goes to the big city to break into show business! Along the way he meets several friends:

Ernest: the dancing ‘F’ word, Gabriel: the cowardly pimp and Plath: the sad little synapse who just can’t jump the brain bridge. (Mike Love is set to cameo as ‘corpse.’) But enough about me and my (future TONY award winning) musical. You’re being stalked, so it’s time you acted like a victim… don’t jump and make trouble.

I will be sending you several packages in the mail over the next few months ‘ this is not a threat’ it’s a gift of passive-aggressive love ‘ I’m only doing this because I’m bored and my Claritin has yet to do ANYTHING!!!! WHERE’S THE OPEN FIELD OF GRASS AND FLOWERS AND SUNLIGHT!!!! (Maybe I should have chased it with a Paxil.) – Your Stalker, ‘=’

Great? Thanks? But I’m not sure what stalking is, exactly? Is it just sort of watching someone in a strange way? Sending packages full of insanity? I have an image of some creepy person sitting outside our office in an old rusty Ford Escort smelling his/her finger. I’m curious as to what’s next.

Letters answered by a dude in a faux-hawk (so 2003).

Restaurant writeup

This is the 1st time that I pick up your magazine and I THINK it’s great….except for this: Restaurants In Singapore, Indian, Vansh “The hippest India joint in town! Beautifully styled venue, and the bathrooms are so cool, you might want to spend all your time there! Take in the aroma….???!!!” Not very appetising, is it?? – Jessie Neo

Ha ha! Nice to know that our reader’s are sharp enough to catch an unintended slip like that… or maybe it WAS put in there by our former listings editor. You see, after having to write listings for one of the other free papers, his mind suffered a bit of rot… we’ll comb through them all to see what other surprises he might have left.

Letters answered by our least literate editor.

You Suck!

You have got to be THE dumbest people on earth. I’ve been reading your publication since your first volume and I’ve hated every issue. Last year’s Reader’s Choice Awards issue was a waste of paper and I pray every day you won’t do another one. Joe Bodia is a brainless prick without the slightest shred of taste. Your editors, especially the music girl Laura Encarnado (is that even a real name?!), sucks with more enthusiasm than an Orchard Towers whore.

I’m amazed with each issue. Your column “Lush Life” (cute name by the way, losers) would be much better served if it simply didn’t exist. I don’t think I’ve found a useful thing in it since reading the damn thing when you idiots introduced it. Volume 3, Issue 21 for example: You list Shanghai as a great place to party as well as salsa at Sentosa as well as World Battle of the Bands as cool things to check out.

Who finds and decides on these things? Don’t bother answering; it’s a rhetorical question. We all know it’s some blind inbred, randomly pulling press releases out of a big trashcan. I was impressed with your restaurant review article in that same issue with the header tag of “energy drinks”. Broth, a place where I wouldn’t even buy my dog dinner. Or how about the article on the history of the hamburger?

Now that’s a f*king great idea! I wish I thought of that. Then I’d be almost as retarded as you guys. Your editorial direction makes no sense, your columns suck and your design looks like you taught a monkey how to press CTRL + ALT and bang on a computer with a PVC pipe. And then there’s Benet, a.k.a. the worst Editor-in-Crap in the history of ink. I’m going to send you a nice straight-edge razor Jeff, for your readers, please, do the right thing. – Sincerely, Paul Vessa

Dear Paul, Thank you for the letter of encouragement. It’s people like you that inspire us. We’ve clearly supplied you with years of material to hate. Frankly, like all God’s creatures, we love you. And we want to help you. Please come to one of our court-ordered support groups for the truly jaded. You don’t have to speak – your satay-stained tank top will say it all. By the way, Paul, we still have your writing samples and resume on file, so we know where you live… We’ll send puppies.

Letters to the editors from our crack-smoking readers

Dear Jeffree,

I’m writing on behalf of the creative folks at Bates and 141 Worldwide. You see, we’re always partying it up – seeing we manage all the Heineken parties and are responsible for all of its advertising and communication collaterals. In fact, we’ve seen our ugly mugs in your magazines before. But…often times we’re told by folks from the other agencies we’re in the magazines. By the time we try to get our paws on the copies, they’re all gone. So, what we’d like to ask is this: Please add us to your distribution list! We’ll try not to look like animals! – Many thanks in advance, Karen San, Creative Group Head, 141 Worldwide

Thanks for the kind words Karen, we’d be more than pleased to give you the ‘evidence” of your nights out on the town, just remember that we have the negatives! As for being hard to get, that’s been a problem from the start, the magazines are picked up as soon as they are seen. In fact, at some locations, 100 copies an hour fly out the door! You can count on us steadily increasing our print run each month to counterbalance this fact.

Letters answered by outsourced Indian tele-answerers.

Dear Think Magazine

I’ve read your “Letters to the Editor” page and I’ve noticed there are no Malay letter writers. Please print my letter so I can point out to my coworkers that you do indeed print letters from Malays. – Thanks, Rafidah P.S. Love your movie reviews.

Rafidah, How do I know you’re a real Malay and not some Malay impersonator? I don’t mean to be a jerk, we’ve just been getting hundreds of letters from people claiming to be Malaysian but when we run the requisite background checks on their family trees, it turns out they’re not really Malaysians at all. But if it helps, I’m Californian and I LOVE Air Batu Campur (Malaysian Cocktail in shaved ice + Ice Cream), yummy!

Letters to the editors from our crack-smoking readers

THINK,

I just returned from a five-week trip to Tahiti and New Zealand. Let me know if you would be interested in a photo essay on the trip. – Doug Lim

Oh, hell yeah, we’re interested. We love pictures. It’s pretty unlikely that we’ll publish any of them, though, because we know how Tahitians freak out when they see their own images. Someone should tell them that cameras don’t steal their souls any more than white people do.

Letters answered by Mooninites not disguised as bombs.

Dear Magazine

Listen, I have a secret for you: YOU’RE PAYING TOO MUCH FOR YOUR INK JET PRINTER CARTRIDGES!!! How do I know this? Because OUR PRICES ARE LOWER THAN ANYONE ELSE’S!!! Click here to find out more!! – Tom Nielsen, CEO, InkJet Solutions

Dear Tom, Tell me more! Tell me more! I can’t believe I’ve been paying too much for my ink jet cartridges! Jesus! When I get my hands on our Xerox guy I’m going to throttle that poor, almost English-speaking jerk in the name of inkjet over-payers everywhere. Thanks for the tip! His ass is grass.

Letters to the editors from our crack-smoking readers.

THINK,

I have to take offence with your mocking of religion in your recent editorials. Before it’s too late, make peace with GOD, and make sure the ones you love do also. You need to pick between an eternity of joy or one of torment. Accept Him. Repent. Get baptised. And have a nice eternity. – Noelle Ng

Interesting, Noelle, but, like, which God are you talking about? Because there are so many out there these days it’s hard to keep them all straight. If we look to the guidance of Neil Diamond in his song, “Porcupine Pie,” where he sings, “And I do believe I’m gonna have one and leave enough room for dessert, chicken ripple ice cream,” we see the answers before us glowing with holiness, or something.

Letters answered by general counsel.

Dear Think Magazine

Whenever I pick up a magazine, whether it’s new to me or not, I look to see if there’s a welcome letter from the editor or publisher. If there is, I read it first because I think you can get a very good sense of the publication by what the editor chooses to do with that page. Some magazines have three pages of letters: one from the editor, publisher, CEO, or president.

That’s a bit too self-serving in my opinion. I’ve really enjoyed your editorials in the past. The one a few issues ago, about artistry being obsolete, was good. But I thought your most recent piece about the truth about reality was confused and shortsighted. [humanifesto, issue 27]. I can see that you thought you had your bases covered, but you missed one HUGE influencing factor: God. Many people still believe in him, you know. Interesting that of all the things that might be behind our reality, you omitted God. Do you think he noticed? – Jan Ong

Dear Jan, I personally believe that this reality is “God’s greatest joke ever told.” You ask if it’s a “he” but how can you even make that judgement? Do you even know why you call ‘him” god? (anyone wants to know, write me and I’ll tell). But that aside, the question is, did god create this reality, or does he himself exist within it? Hmmm…

Letters to the editors from our crack-smoking readers

THINK,

Just wanted to thank you for creating far and away the best Singapore magazine. Your articles are as funny as they are well written. Cheryl Chia and Jeffree Benet do an amazing job providing us with a look at Singapore in an incredibly entertaining way. My wife and I love the magazine from cover to cover. The only problem is four weeks is too long between editions. We crave Think! Great job! – Jerry and Glenda Loftin

Wow. You see, it’s letters like this that make me just want to say, “See, I told you we rule! Ha! Eat it, suckers! That’s right: EAT. IT. BoooYA!!!! In your face bitches! Take that you f – ing muthascratcher. Think Magazine’s in the house!!! Wooo!!!!!!” But I won’t. Thanks for the letter.

Letters answered by an unnamed senior administration official.

Cover ’em up

I picked up an old copy of Think, and I gotta say, thank you for the incredible story on tattooing. This being Singapore, I was expecting an article that was going to preach how you shouldn’t get tattooed, ever. But I was pleased to discover a fairly fresh angle to the subject. Yes, people will always get tattoos, it’s just a matter of where.

I’m lucky enough to have the pleasure (note sarcasm) of screening candidates for a somewhat notable software company, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought to myself while interviewing blatantly tattooed hopefuls, “This idiot will work here when hell freezes over.” As someone in a position of power when it comes to hiring, let me give you tattooed job seekers some sage advice: Cover them up.

I interviewed a prospective candidate with a decent resume a few months ago who had the word “REVENGE” in cursive letters on their neck. This doesn’t send a strong message of stability. If you must get tattoos on your neck, and I admit they look real “tough” and “edgy,” figure out a way to cover them up for job interviews. Put a bandage over it or something.

Corporate Singapore is simply not ready for you yet. My husband was in the US service and spent some time overseas in the ’80s. By the time he returned, he had some pretty horrendous tattoos. We were discussing my bandage theory and he raised an interesting point.

If you’re in that position – in a job interview where you’ve covered your tattoo with a bandage – and the interviewer asks what happened to your neck, you’re probably better off saying something like, “Honestly, in a moment of questionable judgment, I got a tattoo on my neck and I thought it might limit my chances of getting this job.” So there’s hope for you yet, Revenge. – Shelley Pereira