Category: Letters to the Editor

Klahan Pakpao Sukhon

Letters answered by Klahan Pakpao Sukhon, our security guard.

Dear MR. think, (via email)

Just looked at your web page, its pretty cool! Would you be intrested (sic) in getting free long distance and making some money at the same time? If so email me and i will get you some information. My email is [address removed]. – Thanks keep up the good work on your web page. James.

Ack! Please tell me you didn’t compliment our webpage, just so that you could sucker us into some deal selling phone cards or something. I’d be VERY upset and VERY depressed, and kill myself or you or something. Thanks for the compliment, if it was sincere! E-mail me that information, unless it IS some crappy [phone card] deal like that.

Letters to the editors from our crack-smoking readers

THINK,

Thanks for your non-apology on standards (Readers write Think #10) concerning ‘its’ or ‘it’s’ and other pedantry. Shame that on the same page was “death theats” rather than ‘threats’ and “small fuzzy animals” rather than ‘furry’. Then later “Babble Fish” instead of ‘Babel Fish’; even though Babel Fish is an altogether better class of gag.

To paraphrase another article in this issue – lowering journalistic standards is certainly fashionable, but shouldn’t you be maintaining your intelligent style; the one that comes with careful proof reading? – Chin chin, Roy Marsh

Yeah yeah… all the copy editors were on holiday last issue and some typos got through… like “has” instead of “have” in the Esmirida review… we’re working on it!

That said, check this:

“occdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.”

Of course we’re not that bad , so consider yourself our reader/proof-reader of the month!

Letters answered by an impartial moderator.

Dear Think

Regarding your Humanifesto a couple issues ago: Maybe to learn “it’s not raining” in foreign languages is not enough to understand the colour of a language. I read about German in your note. I can’t understand why you talk about declaring war… the Americans are at war… not the Germans. If you really think “it’s not raining” is all you need to know for international travels, you have never been in places tourists don’t reach out for.

But those places are the most interesting ones. You can really learn something about the local people there. And this might be the only reason for travelling – at least for the Europeans. But the Americans just travel to speak their own language or to get introduced to someone’s daughter???

During my 30-day trip around California, I thankfully met some Americans who are not as illiterate as you. They were people who knew more about Europe and Asia than rain and war. – Regards, Violet Wolfe

Thanks for the letter! The Humanifesto actually said that “it’s not raining” SOUNDS like a declaration of war in German because German is an aggressive-sounding language. But please don’t be mad and start name-calling just because after your 30-day trip around California you had to return to your Eastern European job in the bowels of a kerosene refinery. Danke!

Letters to the editors from our crack-smoking readers

Are you guys for real?

What’s with the coverage of the weird psychic stuff in your July issue? I know you guys are quite liberal, but c’mon, energy healing? What’s next, an article on how to grow your own Goddess out of bean-sprouts? – Puzzled, A Bemused Fan

We’re liberal? News to us. How does that explain the Missile-building facility we have out back? Psychic Energy Healing is just that: healing. Isn’t it interesting that people are energy beings, who sometimes need a little TLC? A little unconventional, sure, but it’s real. For the record, we don’t think one can necessarily grow the Almighty out of bean sprouts. Maybe a disciple or two, but not the Divine Spirit. At least not until 2011.

Letters answered by the sexiest editor on staff.

Dear Think,

Hey, man, sick zine. How could I get my band Flesh Drillers a review or interview?

You should check us out and if you need a band for anything, let me know. We are from Johor Baruh and are an up-and-coming brutal death band and we just got signed to Death records. We’re about to put out two releases, so look out for us. – Alex (drums/vocals), Flesh Drillers

Thanks for the letter, Alex. We can probably work together. We were thinking about sponsoring a few shows at the Isetan and Flesh Drillers would no doubt be a hit with that crowd. If we can just get clearance for the pyrotechnics, we’ll be good to go.

Letters to the editors from our crack-smoking readers

Are you guys for real?

I’d rather be imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay than this pacified society of happy boys and girls. Alright, admittedly, my grudge against raves is somewhat personal. I’ve had the misfortune of attending some of these youth culture-marketing fiascoes during my summer break.

The story in brief: I ended up getting sucked into this lame-o crowd of house music fanatics in a desperate attempt to escape the otherwise conservative herd of people who inhabited my life. At the (beer company name removed) party, I spent an entire ten hours being ignored, lonely, and misunderstood by the booze-addled, happy-faced space kids who were content to boogie down all night long to the monotonous thump-thump-thumping that shook my skull but not my ass. But, annoying as it was, this is not the sole reason these events are “working our nerves”.

I maintain that my disdain for house music culture goes beyond my own horrible experience and actually stems from a fundamental disagreement with the socio-political ramifications of a bunch of blissed- out idiots gathering to share their love of musical garbage. Please, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let us examine the most basic aspects of a “house music party”:

Letters answered by a Gitmo detainee.

Dearest Think,

Congratulations on your majestic rise to fame! Unfortunately with every hop-skip-and-jump there is a trip-smack-and-hospital.

Hello! My name is “=” and I will be your STALKER (don’t run). You cannot stop that which has not yet commenced the process of beginning. Stalker Qualifications: I’ve read Catcher in the Rye 13 times and I’m working on my own Broadway musical adaptation simply titled Catcher! It’s all about a small town boy who goes to the big city to break into show business! Along the way he meets several friends:

Ernest: the dancing ‘F’ word, Gabriel: the cowardly pimp and Plath: the sad little synapse who just can’t jump the brain bridge. (Mike Love is set to cameo as ‘corpse.’) But enough about me and my (future TONY award winning) musical. You’re being stalked, so it’s time you acted like a victim… don’t jump and make trouble.

I will be sending you several packages in the mail over the next few months ‘ this is not a threat’ it’s a gift of passive-aggressive love ‘ I’m only doing this because I’m bored and my Claritin has yet to do ANYTHING!!!! WHERE’S THE OPEN FIELD OF GRASS AND FLOWERS AND SUNLIGHT!!!! (Maybe I should have chased it with a Paxil.) – Your Stalker, ‘=’

Great? Thanks? But I’m not sure what stalking is, exactly? Is it just sort of watching someone in a strange way? Sending packages full of insanity? I have an image of some creepy person sitting outside our office in an old rusty Ford Escort smelling his/her finger. I’m curious as to what’s next.

Letters to the editors from our crack-smoking readers

Editors:

Recently, I just been out of job for about 1 month and during this period, I tried so many interviews and without much success.

To get to the point, I hope the editor with its connections will help me find something temporarily. I willing to work or try anything and I mean “anything”. let me remind you I’m straight, ok?

I like to work with single or married lady but when their man is not around, like making breakfast for them or serve them whatever or whenever way they like it. I work cheap and I mean very cheap. I really desperate for cash. And I ready to share the commission with anybody who introduce me to this job. Available hours 06:00 hr – 12:00 hrs. Lastly try to be discreet. – Hot Rod

So how about it folks? Any of our female readers need breakfast made for them? This is a real letter we received, if you’re interested, drop us a line and we’ll pass you Hot Rod’s phone number! Really…

Letters answered by a dude in a faux-hawk (so 2003).

Restaurant writeup

This is the 1st time that I pick up your magazine and I THINK it’s great….except for this: Restaurants In Singapore, Indian, Vansh “The hippest India joint in town! Beautifully styled venue, and the bathrooms are so cool, you might want to spend all your time there! Take in the aroma….???!!!” Not very appetising, is it?? – Jessie Neo

Ha ha! Nice to know that our reader’s are sharp enough to catch an unintended slip like that… or maybe it WAS put in there by our former listings editor. You see, after having to write listings for one of the other free papers, his mind suffered a bit of rot… we’ll comb through them all to see what other surprises he might have left.

Letters answered by outsourced Indian tele-answerers.

Dear Think Magazine

I’ve read your “Letters to the Editor” page and I’ve noticed there are no Malay letter writers. Please print my letter so I can point out to my coworkers that you do indeed print letters from Malays. – Thanks, Rafidah P.S. Love your movie reviews.

Rafidah, How do I know you’re a real Malay and not some Malay impersonator? I don’t mean to be a jerk, we’ve just been getting hundreds of letters from people claiming to be Malaysian but when we run the requisite background checks on their family trees, it turns out they’re not really Malaysians at all. But if it helps, I’m Californian and I LOVE Air Batu Campur (Malaysian Cocktail in shaved ice + Ice Cream), yummy!

Letters answered by whoever the hell checked the mail that day.

Dear FRIEND,

I’M FROM THE IVORY COAST AND HAVE LOTS OF MONEY. I HAVE LIKE 22 MILLION AND I NEED TO TRANSFER IT TO AN ACCOUNT IN SINGAPORE. SO PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER AND I’LL TRANSFER THE MONEY TO YOU AND I’LL GIVE YOU 50 THOUSAND. OKAY? – SINCERELY, IKAA LPSOOD

Dear Ikaa, this is the WORST attempt at the bank transfer scam we have ever read. Come on, you didn’t even say how you’ve escaped a horribly oppressive slave trade or how you got the money from a prince or anything. What is the world coming to if scam artists aren’t even putting in the effort? You get a D minus. But thank you for being such a huge on-line supporter of Think. Mad props to our people on the Ivory Coast!

Letters answered by our least literate editor.

You Suck!

You have got to be THE dumbest people on earth. I’ve been reading your publication since your first volume and I’ve hated every issue. Last year’s Reader’s Choice Awards issue was a waste of paper and I pray every day you won’t do another one. Joe Bodia is a brainless prick without the slightest shred of taste. Your editors, especially the music girl Laura Encarnado (is that even a real name?!), sucks with more enthusiasm than an Orchard Towers whore.

I’m amazed with each issue. Your column “Lush Life” (cute name by the way, losers) would be much better served if it simply didn’t exist. I don’t think I’ve found a useful thing in it since reading the damn thing when you idiots introduced it. Volume 3, Issue 21 for example: You list Shanghai as a great place to party as well as salsa at Sentosa as well as World Battle of the Bands as cool things to check out.

Who finds and decides on these things? Don’t bother answering; it’s a rhetorical question. We all know it’s some blind inbred, randomly pulling press releases out of a big trashcan. I was impressed with your restaurant review article in that same issue with the header tag of “energy drinks”. Broth, a place where I wouldn’t even buy my dog dinner. Or how about the article on the history of the hamburger?

Now that’s a f*king great idea! I wish I thought of that. Then I’d be almost as retarded as you guys. Your editorial direction makes no sense, your columns suck and your design looks like you taught a monkey how to press CTRL + ALT and bang on a computer with a PVC pipe. And then there’s Benet, a.k.a. the worst Editor-in-Crap in the history of ink. I’m going to send you a nice straight-edge razor Jeff, for your readers, please, do the right thing. – Sincerely, Paul Vessa

Dear Paul, Thank you for the letter of encouragement. It’s people like you that inspire us. We’ve clearly supplied you with years of material to hate. Frankly, like all God’s creatures, we love you. And we want to help you. Please come to one of our court-ordered support groups for the truly jaded. You don’t have to speak – your satay-stained tank top will say it all. By the way, Paul, we still have your writing samples and resume on file, so we know where you live… We’ll send puppies.