Category: Letters to the Editor

Letters answered by outsourced Indian tele-answerers.

Dear Think Magazine

I’ve read your “Letters to the Editor” page and I’ve noticed there are no Malay letter writers. Please print my letter so I can point out to my coworkers that you do indeed print letters from Malays. – Thanks, Rafidah P.S. Love your movie reviews.

Rafidah, How do I know you’re a real Malay and not some Malay impersonator? I don’t mean to be a jerk, we’ve just been getting hundreds of letters from people claiming to be Malaysian but when we run the requisite background checks on their family trees, it turns out they’re not really Malaysians at all. But if it helps, I’m Californian and I LOVE Air Batu Campur (Malaysian Cocktail in shaved ice + Ice Cream), yummy!

Letters to the editors from our crack-smoking readers

Are you guys for real?

What’s with the coverage of the weird psychic stuff in your July issue? I know you guys are quite liberal, but c’mon, energy healing? What’s next, an article on how to grow your own Goddess out of bean-sprouts? – Puzzled, A Bemused Fan

We’re liberal? News to us. How does that explain the Missile-building facility we have out back? Psychic Energy Healing is just that: healing. Isn’t it interesting that people are energy beings, who sometimes need a little TLC? A little unconventional, sure, but it’s real. For the record, we don’t think one can necessarily grow the Almighty out of bean sprouts. Maybe a disciple or two, but not the Divine Spirit. At least not until 2011.

Letters answered by Mooninites not disguised as bombs.

Dear Magazine

Listen, I have a secret for you: YOU’RE PAYING TOO MUCH FOR YOUR INK JET PRINTER CARTRIDGES!!! How do I know this? Because OUR PRICES ARE LOWER THAN ANYONE ELSE’S!!! Click here to find out more!! – Tom Nielsen, CEO, InkJet Solutions

Dear Tom, Tell me more! Tell me more! I can’t believe I’ve been paying too much for my ink jet cartridges! Jesus! When I get my hands on our Xerox guy I’m going to throttle that poor, almost English-speaking jerk in the name of inkjet over-payers everywhere. Thanks for the tip! His ass is grass.

Letters to the editors from our crack-smoking readers

Are you guys for real?

I’d rather be imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay than this pacified society of happy boys and girls. Alright, admittedly, my grudge against raves is somewhat personal. I’ve had the misfortune of attending some of these youth culture-marketing fiascoes during my summer break.

The story in brief: I ended up getting sucked into this lame-o crowd of house music fanatics in a desperate attempt to escape the otherwise conservative herd of people who inhabited my life. At the (beer company name removed) party, I spent an entire ten hours being ignored, lonely, and misunderstood by the booze-addled, happy-faced space kids who were content to boogie down all night long to the monotonous thump-thump-thumping that shook my skull but not my ass. But, annoying as it was, this is not the sole reason these events are “working our nerves”.

I maintain that my disdain for house music culture goes beyond my own horrible experience and actually stems from a fundamental disagreement with the socio-political ramifications of a bunch of blissed- out idiots gathering to share their love of musical garbage. Please, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let us examine the most basic aspects of a “house music party”:

Letters answered by the new guy in sales.

Hi

I just wanted to thank you for your editorial re: Sembawang festival. It’s good to see something in print that recognises the effort of Malcolm and his team, and also doesn’t try to be a voice for us “poor struggling” musicians. Out of everyone that has complained about how much we are getting none of the complaints have come from us! We’re looking forward to doing the festival and if idiots like Sujin keep writing tripe like that article we may lose the chance. – Thanks again, Alexander Gow

Man, you just wouldn’t believe the volume of letters we’ve gotten on that subject. Fortunately, only one or two were negative, and it seems like most people have come to their senses and realised that it’s gonna be one kickin’ event. Malcolm’s told me he’s making it more budget friendly and adding a few more bands. I for one, can’t wait!

Letters answered by general counsel.

Dear Think Magazine

Whenever I pick up a magazine, whether it’s new to me or not, I look to see if there’s a welcome letter from the editor or publisher. If there is, I read it first because I think you can get a very good sense of the publication by what the editor chooses to do with that page. Some magazines have three pages of letters: one from the editor, publisher, CEO, or president.

That’s a bit too self-serving in my opinion. I’ve really enjoyed your editorials in the past. The one a few issues ago, about artistry being obsolete, was good. But I thought your most recent piece about the truth about reality was confused and shortsighted. [humanifesto, issue 27]. I can see that you thought you had your bases covered, but you missed one HUGE influencing factor: God. Many people still believe in him, you know. Interesting that of all the things that might be behind our reality, you omitted God. Do you think he noticed? – Jan Ong

Dear Jan, I personally believe that this reality is “God’s greatest joke ever told.” You ask if it’s a “he” but how can you even make that judgement? Do you even know why you call ‘him” god? (anyone wants to know, write me and I’ll tell). But that aside, the question is, did god create this reality, or does he himself exist within it? Hmmm…

Letters to the editors from our crack-smoking readers

Editors:

Recently, I just been out of job for about 1 month and during this period, I tried so many interviews and without much success.

To get to the point, I hope the editor with its connections will help me find something temporarily. I willing to work or try anything and I mean “anything”. let me remind you I’m straight, ok?

I like to work with single or married lady but when their man is not around, like making breakfast for them or serve them whatever or whenever way they like it. I work cheap and I mean very cheap. I really desperate for cash. And I ready to share the commission with anybody who introduce me to this job. Available hours 06:00 hr – 12:00 hrs. Lastly try to be discreet. – Hot Rod

So how about it folks? Any of our female readers need breakfast made for them? This is a real letter we received, if you’re interested, drop us a line and we’ll pass you Hot Rod’s phone number! Really…

Letters answered by an NSA agent who intercepted your email.

Dear Think,

While I love your magazine’s print version, I get annoyed by your website. I travel for work a lot so I often read your latest issue from the road. You need to put the captions on the online pictures. Without the little things, the online version is that much less enjoyable. Case in point: there was an article which referred to another article in the magazine. But the online version doesn’t link to that article, and your site is quite large! It’s very frustrating. And you usually have a self-deprecating caption for the picture of the editor, but online he just looks like some boob with a goofy look on his face. – Dave Murphy

Okay, okay, we get it. More links will be put into the stories online. As for the captions, we’re fine with you thinking the editor is some boob with a goofy look.

Letters answered by an unnamed senior administration official.

Cover ’em up

I picked up an old copy of Think, and I gotta say, thank you for the incredible story on tattooing. This being Singapore, I was expecting an article that was going to preach how you shouldn’t get tattooed, ever. But I was pleased to discover a fairly fresh angle to the subject. Yes, people will always get tattoos, it’s just a matter of where.

I’m lucky enough to have the pleasure (note sarcasm) of screening candidates for a somewhat notable software company, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought to myself while interviewing blatantly tattooed hopefuls, “This idiot will work here when hell freezes over.” As someone in a position of power when it comes to hiring, let me give you tattooed job seekers some sage advice: Cover them up.

I interviewed a prospective candidate with a decent resume a few months ago who had the word “REVENGE” in cursive letters on their neck. This doesn’t send a strong message of stability. If you must get tattoos on your neck, and I admit they look real “tough” and “edgy,” figure out a way to cover them up for job interviews. Put a bandage over it or something.

Corporate Singapore is simply not ready for you yet. My husband was in the US service and spent some time overseas in the ’80s. By the time he returned, he had some pretty horrendous tattoos. We were discussing my bandage theory and he raised an interesting point.

If you’re in that position – in a job interview where you’ve covered your tattoo with a bandage – and the interviewer asks what happened to your neck, you’re probably better off saying something like, “Honestly, in a moment of questionable judgment, I got a tattoo on my neck and I thought it might limit my chances of getting this job.” So there’s hope for you yet, Revenge. – Shelley Pereira

Letters answered by whoever the hell checked the mail that day.

Dear FRIEND,

I’M FROM THE IVORY COAST AND HAVE LOTS OF MONEY. I HAVE LIKE 22 MILLION AND I NEED TO TRANSFER IT TO AN ACCOUNT IN SINGAPORE. SO PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER AND I’LL TRANSFER THE MONEY TO YOU AND I’LL GIVE YOU 50 THOUSAND. OKAY? – SINCERELY, IKAA LPSOOD

Dear Ikaa, this is the WORST attempt at the bank transfer scam we have ever read. Come on, you didn’t even say how you’ve escaped a horribly oppressive slave trade or how you got the money from a prince or anything. What is the world coming to if scam artists aren’t even putting in the effort? You get a D minus. But thank you for being such a huge on-line supporter of Think. Mad props to our people on the Ivory Coast!

Letters answered by an outsourcing firm in India.

Dear Think,

What’s with these maniacs that write you guys every month? Don’t they understand that this is entertainment? Why is it whenever you do something different or call someone on their bad attitudes, you can bet on someone grabbing their box of crayolas and scribbling out some self-indulgent rant that somehow puts us all in our place. How dare we laugh at ourselves or each other… unless one of the other free magazines says it’s okay. Stay smart, – Sebastion Runza

Dear Sebastion, If you were within high-fiving distance, I’d insist you and I make up our own secret handshake. I don’t know if you’re just trying to say what we want to hear or what, but I think I speak for the entire Think Magazine staff when I say, “Exactly.” But at your question (and this is just me speculating): I think many people living in Singapore are so hyper-sensitive that they’re physically looking for something to bitch about. Fair enough, I concede, some gripes are legitimate. But many are just silly. Nevertheless, we’re out there on the streets so it’s something I’ve come to expect and, as of late, appreciate. And on behalf of the racially balanced, politically correct staff, I thank you for the letter.

Sonny Chiba

Letters answered by a red-blooded carbon-based totally badass human, Sonny Chiba!

Thank you for Think

Never have I seen such a magazine as Think. I was always surprised to see it is published here, especially when you consider how bad the commercial media is here. Thank you… we need more. I tell people to never watch TV and their world will be less violent and life will seem longer. There are very few good things to say about TV and Mass Media.

Besides the violence, the main purpose of “free” TV is to sell products that you really don’t need. You also don’t need to watch 90 minutes of headline “News” or “Weather”.

And you certainly don’t need to watch TV sports. Thus if you don’t own a TV, you will lead a calmer, less stressful life and not be plagued by false needs. Plus you will have more time to do important things. Like live. (And read Think!) – Tajarik

We at Think only wish we had time to watch TV anymore! We’re much too busy hunkering down in our bunker these days with our stash of Slim Jims and cases of beer… Have you read the newspapers? Or how about CNN? “Death, Doom, Destruction… and the Hollywood minute!” Seems there’s nowhere to escape it, we make Think to filter it all into some kind of sense… enjoy!